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Submitted on
February 1, 2013
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did you know that i’m not actually ok
or that i have just as many if not more insecurities as you
or even that it really hurts me when you ‘mess around’ with me
its all a joke to you
that hurts

"shoot me" you joke
“i wish i were dead”
“can you do that for me

shut up

i dont want to hear it
im so done with you
you think youre funny
that i think youre funny
thats all you care about
not me
not how i feel
not if i was just crying for an hour in the shower

listen to this song i wrote
can i say no
no
because then youll make a big deal about it and get mad at me
i dont want you mad at me

put some effort into your appearance
no
wear some makeup
no
why
because im pretty

thats a lie

because i dont care
i do care though
just not what you think
or those girls at school
or the boys

youre out of pills
tell someone
your head hurts
get out of the pool
you feel ugly
just coat your face in makeup again and youll feel fine

im limping
why dont you just make it so i have to stand
my head hurts
ignore me, ill go away
i feel ugly
maybe if i tried i wouldnt

the way you think and the way i think arent the same

im human too
im a perfectionist
i probably have anxiety disorders
definitely stress disorders
eating disorders
problems with my self image
and im in constant pain

but you
you see the connection between a razor blade and a pen cap and suddenly you need to be rushed to a therapist!

i don’t eat for days
i’m just in a bad mood
my shoulder hurts
take a pill
i cant figure out my math homework
ask your friends for help
no
i cant ask for help
because then you’d have to do something about it

and guess what else
the one thing i was excited about
the one thing i thought i could do right
was crushed by a friend who doesn’t even know what shes doing

but its ok

Because I’ll hide behind perfect grammar and happy stories and fake smiles and moral support. I’ll act like I’m okay with second best and with not being in a band with you and with how I look.
Because no one cares about me.
Thoughts scream through my head until I want to claw my mind out but I can’t. 
Because one child has to be ignorable. We can’t have to self-hazards all the time. Ignore one of them and all of her problems will disappear.
Like magic.
And, eventually, I’ll disappear.

Just.  Like.  Magic.

I wasn't actually going to post this, but you guys make it seem like it's alright to do something for me every once in a while. :icona-lovely-anxiety: actually has already read this and she agreed that it should be posted. So, here. An insight into the life of Amber. I think I'm going to post one of these once a week on Fridays, so you can ignore them if you'd like. If not, you're welcome to read and comment, telling me about whatever you need to rant about. You read my rambles, I can handle yours.

Anyways, thank you all for all of your love and support, I'll try to post a bit this weekend.
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:iconhetaliatardis:
hetaliatardis Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsadhugplz: :iconglompplz:
Reply
:iconvengefulamber:
vengefulamber Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconhetaliatardis:
hetaliatardis Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem~ :)
Reply
:iconmacxcheese:
macxcheese Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student General Artist
I just want you to know that your awesome. And then give you a hug :iconbrohugplz:
Reply
:iconvengefulamber:
vengefulamber Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Little comments like these make such a difference. :)
Reply
:iconmaplegirl16:
Maplegirl16 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013
You, my friend, will not. Disappear. If you do I swear to god I wil... Sigh. Please don't go away. I'm tormented by someone's who's friends with the guy I like, so I have to be nice to him no matter how terrible he is too me, but I'm still here, still pushing on. Please, please try to do the same.
Reply
:iconvengefulamber:
vengefulamber Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I will. If I ever feel like I should disappear, I'll just remember your comment, as well as all of the others, telling me to stay. For them, for my family, for me. I'll stay.
Reply
:iconmaplegirl16:
Maplegirl16 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
You better
Reply
:iconmynameisnotemilio:
MyNameIsNotEmilio Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Honey, you need to talk to someone real. Find some help at school or call the hot line. Please.

I know you feel like I don't care. I do care. I put so much work into seeing that you're happy. I ignore the fact that you're crying because I know that when you do you don't want me to know. Or maybe you do.

I don't know what's right or wrong anymore for you. I can't always help you. Even though we're twins, we're different. I'm only telling you what I know how to do. Maybe it's not right, maybe it is.

I'm trying

I don't know why this didn't pop up on my other account but I'm here now. Don't disappear.

I love you.
Reply
:iconsarpndo:
sarpndo Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013
*hug* It's alright, I know how you feel, being a perfectionist, hiding pain behind a facade of happiness, and okay-ness. I have lived my whole life like that. It's become so natural for me, that it's hard for me to share any sort of emotion with anyone.
Reply
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